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Master in the Making

"Possibly the Most Interesting Woman in the World"

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Yesterday

For the past few years I have been volunteering for Community Hospice. It’s an organization that I have much gratitude for and that is why I volunteer. Nearly every volunteer I speak with has their own story of gratitude and also their purpose in volunteering. I don’t know if I can speak for others but for myself being my Grandparents main caregiver I was worn out and ragged. When Hospice came in and provided services it provided me with a great sense of relief. A sense of relief that I cannot describe.

    This blog wasn’t supposed to be a plug for Community Hospice or volunteering, but yesterday while I was volunteering I realized something and I broke down crying. Thank god I was with a couple of grief counselors - they are use to people crying. A lot of people don’t know this about me, but I am a very emotional person and I do cry more than most. I knew this about myself for some time. That’s why I haven’t done patient care and have only done Hospice events like the one I was at yesterday. Yesterday’s event was “The Victims Rights Rally and Family Safety Fair” put on by the Stanislaus County District Attorney’s Victims Services Program.

    There were several speakers to kick off the event which included family members of victims. As I was sitting there I realized I too was a victim. I don’t see myself as a victim, but I was a victim. This event and these people were there to provide justice for victims. I thought to myself that these people were very lucky, because in my case I will never see justice served.

    I am making myself very vulnerable here and sharing my story, but let me be very clear that this is only one part of my story - this part is one of most horrific and ugly part of my story. I have nothing to gain or lose by telling what happened to me. I am telling my story because there are others out there like me that will never get justice, nor do they have a voice or somebody that understands them. I am so saddened to know that there are so many people out there that have a story like mine. I have heard some of these stories and they are very horrifying. These people haven’t and don’t know how to heal from their trauma and they too did not get any justice like me.

    This past summer I came to realize that, that a little flashback memory that I kept having for years and kept denying that it happened. That memory really did happen to me. Nobody put that memory there and I came to realize that repressed memories do exist. I never believed in people having repressed memories. I began to recall events around this flashback and then investigated by questioning others about the trip to visit my Grandparents in Canada with my mother and brothers, when I was three years old.

My flashback memory was also of being in my Grandfather’s office in a room and that he did something sexual to me. My Grandfather was a Chiropractor and had his office in his home. My Grandfather had put me into one of the rooms where I was suppose to take a nap. I’m not sure that I took a nap.

Once I admitted to myself that this happened I was able to recall that immediately after this happened that we were in his car driving to meet my mother at the lake. I remember crying and being angry - I was completely beside myself. Once I felt all the anger and frustration that I had felt as a three year old child - I was able to recall more of what happened on the trip.

I was able to recall being totally hysterical and trying to tell my mom what happened while my Grandfather was in a port-a-potty. I remember her just looking in my eyes and her blowing me off. She blew me off like a child that wasn’t getting their way. I remember collapsing on my knees in the sand and throwing sand around in anger. Even though I was only three years old I knew she knew what happened to me and she chose not to deal with me or what happened. I remember her having my youngest brother in her arms and turning her back on me. Never engaged with me to find out what happened and why I was so upset.

From the Lake we went to my Aunt and Uncle’s cabin. I can recall being outside the cabin and finding myself alone with my Grandfather again. I remember shaking my index finger at him like he wasn’t going to get me again and running away to find more people to be around. I can only imagine that I couldn’t relax while we were there. I remember after being at the cabin for a few days we went to another Aunt’s apartment and sitting on her balcony for a long time dialoguing in my head how to articulate what had happened to me to this Aunt. I told my Aunt the best way I knew how as a three year old and she basically told me to get over it. I think it was probably at that moment is when my three year old self said you need to forget this ever happened, so that you can deal. The only way I knew how to protect myself was to forget it ever happened.

At Forty-seven years old I had a hard time dealing with the fact that I had repressed memories and that my family behaved in such a way. My own family didn’t believe me, protect me or love me when I was three. It was incredible about the time I was going through this I had a friend call me and tell me a very similar story that they had repressed memories of being sexually abused by a family member. I hadn’t shared with them what I was going through prior to them sharing their story. I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only one that had this happen to them.

The most tragic part of this story is at forty-seven years old I talked to my mother and told her all of this is that she said she didn’t believe me and that she wanted proof that it happened. I have forgiven my grandfather, my mother and my aunt. I still have healing to do from my own mother not believing me, because that is the biggest hurt I have. I don’t need justice or vengeance in any way shape or form. I know that I wasn't my Grandfather's only victim - there were others.

Yesterday my life’s purpose was validated. I was meant to go to that particular event and to hear the words that were said, to talk with the people that I talked with. My purpose is to be a healer and to help others heal from their deep hurts.

Yesterday for a moment I was a victim - today and every day forward I am a warrior and I am a survivor. Today I  am healing to become a healer! I have always been healer - it’s just going to become a full time job.

If you are in a position to help another person in any way shape or form you can, even if that is to listen to somebody talk - do it because you don’t know what kind of difference you can make in somebody’s life or their yesterday. If somebody seems to be struggling with depression, anxiety, drugs, alcohol, etc. - it isn’t as easy as flipping a switch and making these things go away. There’s an underlying reason people have issues and yesterday something that was repeated over and over was that instead of asking “What’s wrong with you?” Ask “What happened to you?”

Molly, Lakshmi, Saint Hildegard and Dr. Strange

    I did not intend to write my second blog so quickly, but I was pressed to write some more on fears and limiting beliefs. I had done my Wednesday Live@3 show and told a story about Molly.

    Molly is the dog next door. She spends most of her day on the side of her owner’s house locked in a dog run. My back fence is my neighbors side fence, so we see a lot of Molly peering through the fence when we are on the patio. She’s a big yellow lab. Duke is my little Silver Schnauzer and then my son has Brody a French Bulldog with the personality of Stitch 626.

Throughout the day there would be meeting of the dogs at a particular point of fencing. They all would bark, play and run along the fence line. Duke has chewed up the railing of the fence like a termite. On Molly’s side of the fence she has scratched and pawed so much at two pickets that they have deteriorated. Molly also has pushed on the fencing so much that those two pickets had become loose.

I knew that it was a matter of time before the dogs realized they were loose and that they could actually have contact with one another. About a week ago Brody was able to push the picket forward and peek his head through. Molly would do the same. Duke is reluctant to put his head in the picket opening, but would sniff Molly’s snout.

A few days after these dogs made contact, it got a little more exciting to watch. Molly was actually trying to put her paws through that hole. It took a few more days but Molly realized that she wasn’t limited by her fears and beliefs - she was in our backyard. She had finally broken on through to the other side.

So that’s a little anecdotal story on fears and limiting beliefs. What fence pickets (or fears) can you break through and discover that only you have limited yourself with your beliefs?

Lakshmi is a goddess that is associated with Buddhism, Hinduism as well as other religious and spiritual practices. I came upon her in Doreen Virtue’s book “Archangels and Ascended Masters” just before my weekly facebook live show “Wednesday’s Live@3”. Lakshmi’s purpose is to help people find careers that will fill us with a sense of completeness and satisfaction. Lakshmi’s intent is to basically connect us with our life purpose.

I have only recently found the beginning of the path to my life purpose. The path is before me and I have a lot to learn and practice. I am supposed to be an author, musician and a spiritual healer.

I have had many reservations about becoming a spiritual healer. What does that mean, right? It’s a calling from God to help others. If God is calling me to do this work shouldn’t I do it for free? I struggled with that for a while. I have never seen myself as a person that had a drive for money and riches. I have always been interested in digging deep into things that are mystical, spiritual and are not monetarily attained.

I always wanted and desired to be financial stable and secure with a roof over my head, bills paid, functioning electricity, gas, plumbing and surrounded by loving people. I have been blessed - I have been provided for. Luxuries are nice and very much appreciated as well, but they are not necessity. I am grateful for what I have and what is given to me.

I came across the spiritual law of reciprocity. I more freely accept the fact that I would have to charge for my services, because give and take would be out of balance.

There has been so much involved in making this decision to take this path. Am I good enough to serve this calling? Apparently, God thinks so. Is my heart and head pure enough and in the right place to help others? What are my motives? What is my agenda?

This is where Dr. Strange comes into this where he is faced with exercising his “free will” to choose the path he wanted to take. It was still huge and intimating calling. Who wants to disappoint God? I know God and he wants me to exercise my “free will” and choose for myself what path I want to take. I had options and other paths to take. I have chosen the path to become a healer. I have a lot of standards and parameters of my practice to work out. I do know that if when I heal that it should always be guided and directed by “God’s will” and the “free will” of the person that I am working with. More importantly MY "will" and "ego" should not be a part of working with others in this capacity.

That leads me to the words “healer” and “healing” - I have issues with these terms. “Spiritual healing” is not a cure all, therefore “healer” seems to be inappropriate term to use. Not only that, but the fact that it is truly the “person being healed” in all circumstances is the true “healer”. I view a Spiritual healer as an energy mover that assists people to remove negativity and make space for the positive. And Spiritual healing is never a stand alone method of becoming well. Spiritual healing is to be used in conjunction with as a companion to modern medicine.

Finally my most recent interest has been Saint Hildegard. To me she represents belief. To believe in oneself. She is a true visionary and a strong female power for her time. She was an author, a musician and a spiritual healer. Hmm? Who does that sound like? Anybody you know?

    So at the end of the day we each have the ability to heal ourselves by breaking through our fears and limiting beliefs. We all have the ability to exercise our “free will” to guide us to the career or life that we want. We must make the decision to do so and once we do we must continue to believe in what we are doing and feel rewarded for it. If you always see life as the glass half empty that is your belief and therefore that is what you will receive.

    

 

 

 

Fears & Limiting Beliefs

This is my first blog post ever! I don’t read blogs on a regular basis, but in searching the interest perhaps I have read more than a few. Here it goes…

    We all have fears and limiting beliefs. Mental blocks if you will. All of these are connected to our ego. I have a fear of public speaking like most of the people in this world. Beyond that I have just been unsure how my message will be received. Rejection and controversy. No matter what there will be naysayers and hecklers in this world - you can count on that! You know what? I am not going to die in any part of it!!! I need to speak my truth and live my truth above what others may think, say or do. Period!

    In the past few months I have fought with myself over these fears. My higher self has been trying to beat my ego into submission. It’s really ridiculous for me to have these fears, as I am writing my memoirs and exposing a lot of personal, sensitive and most intimate parts of myself with the whole wide world. Why wouldn’t I also be able to write a blog? A blog is just to share some of my thoughts and knowledge, right?

    The content of my memoirs includes a lot of stuff that the world would rather turn a blind eye to and pretend that it doesn’t exist. Like abuse and mortality. My beliefs and practices such as energy healing and the use of crystals and oils to heal may be hard for some to believe. I’m okay with that now. I feel that God has been calling me for a very long time. I know he has for as long as I can remember. I was never sure what was it that he wanted from me until now. I know that I still don’t know what else may be asked of me in the future.

    If you think about it, it’s a really intimidating position to be called by God to do something. This has fucked with my head a bit. I’m not a Prophet, a Saint or a Guru. I don’t want to be or aspire to be any one of those things. I’m not perfect or holy in any sense, obviously. (By the way. I enjoy verbal expression via cussing - it feels good to cuss. You have been warned.) I don’t feel like I’ve been handed the ten commandments like Moses, but I have a message I am suppose to share with the world. I am who I am - I’m a short plump quirky middle aged woman. Why me? I am a nobody really. I don’t feel that I am special or above average than the next person. I’m not a scholar and nor do I hold the answers to the universe. Why is my story so important to God that he wants me to share it?

    I know I have a lot of different messages to share in writing my memoirs. I am not just being called by God to write “Master in the Making”. I am also being called to become a spiritual healer and do more things for myself that will make me happy. And in all of what I just mentioned - I have to write a blog, because in this day and age that is what one does to get publicity for their book.

    I have always been and have wanted to continue to be that quiet little wallflower that nobody noticed. Unfortunately, I am unable to continue that path. The world has to hear my voice. I know that a lot of people that will read my book, will see themselves in my writing and feel connected to me - like I have known them all their lives.

    This Marvel’s Spiderman quote always crosses my mind “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”. I love Spiderman, but I feel more connected to Marvel Comic Superhero Dr. Strange. If you are unfamiliar with Dr. Strange (watch the movie). He is a neurosurgeon that lost the ability to perform surgery because there was something wrong with his hands. He finds this guy that had gone to Tibet that had been healed from severe injuries. Dr. Strange is seeking healing for his hands. He goes to Tibet to meet a Master Teacher where he is asked to believe the unbelievable. He questions everything that his Master is trying to teach him and rejects what the Master says until he proves and believes it for himself. Dr. Strange is also challenged with the dilemma between helping himself heal and return to life he knew or to be healed and to help all of humanity.

    To be continued…...

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